I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly