Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.