βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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You know youβre desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
girls will post pictures with βmy day oneππβ and itβs just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer Iβd bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you donβt shake it, itβll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesnβt like you very much.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: Iβm not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: Iβm just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure itβs pastrami
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?