What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation