I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
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One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave