A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.