Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
This will never not be funny to me.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
the Monday after daylight savings
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.