I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*