I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.