[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.