[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
You Might Also Like
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this