If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Your honor these allegations are
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream