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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Friday
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Noted.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight