The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.