Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
who wants to go expliring
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.