Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
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if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop: