Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn