Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
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[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.