Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people