One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
cats when you pet them too long:
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party