I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Nice try Hitler
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.