[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
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Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.