as is their right
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.