SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I hope they boil the right one.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.