Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren鈥檛 you?
Me: Yes
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
No more excuses…
…I鈥檓 canceling that gym membership.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Ok but actually
It鈥檒l never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Neighbor: I don鈥檛 drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa鈥hat鈥檚 enough
2) see number 1
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
unless you鈥檙e ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain鈥檛 chasing shit
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.