I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*