Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt