The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.