When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough