Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they havenβt gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
(Gaming support cat.)
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we werenβt married, Iβd marry you based on these potatoes.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers βmumβ or βdadβ without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as βAlexaβ.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said βoh shitβ and picked her up and took her into the other room but he wonβt always be here to protect her
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Me as a kid: I canβt wait until Iβm an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, βAm I hot enough to make them hold the door?β
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
This is my favorite one of these!
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
βNew Year, New Meβ gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.