Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Breaking news:
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.