Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You Might Also Like
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France