Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

subtitles are so good nowadays

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

You sure about that?

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.