[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!