[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.