Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
How dude HOW?!