You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae