PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
can’t catch a break
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown