I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some