My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Geez man, take it easy.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.