My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation