Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The Friday File.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.