jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning