I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.