My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
All. The. Damn. Time.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.