Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Don’t tell me what to do
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude