Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You Might Also Like
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.