boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.