Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…