If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.